WP 60 | Navigating Toxic Relationships as a Christian Therapist
Welcome to the Wise Practice Podcast! In this solo series, I, Whitney Owens, will be sharing my insights on what I learned in 2023. If you haven't listened to the previous episodes, I highly encourage you to do so. In the first episode, we discussed scaling or not scaling our practice, and in the second episode, we explored the characteristics of being a Christian leader. Today, we are going to delve into the complex topic of toxic relationships.
Good Relationships: A Blessing Worth Cherishing
Before we dive into toxic relationships, I want to take a moment to appreciate the importance of good relationships. Throughout my journey, I have been blessed by the amazing relationships within the consulting community. Investing time in building these connections has enriched my life in numerous ways. “When you find good friends in your life, you hold them tight and you don't let them go.” Whether it's admiring someone's work, faith, or simply finding a kindred spirit, nurturing these meaningful friendships is essential.
Toxic Relationships: Unhealthy Connections That Require Our Attention
Now, let's shift our focus to toxic relationships. This is not a show about trashing people. Talking about toxic relationships can be uncomfortable and even scary at times, but as practice owners and individuals within the faith community, it is crucial that we address these deeper issues. Toxic relationships exist, and it is important to acknowledge and understand them.
Defining Toxic Relationships: Unhealthy for You
Defining toxic relationships can be nuanced, as the dynamics vary from person to person and situation to situation. In essence, a toxic relationship refers to a connection that is unhealthy for you. At first, toxic relationships may not appear toxic; they often have elements of glamour or goodness. However, over time, negative aspects begin to surface. “Toxic relationships are when we go back to someone or some relationship over and over again, even though they continue to hurt us.”
Finding Compassion and Insight Amid Toxicity
As stated in this episode “... if we can help change the way that we interact with people, the way we train people, the way we love people, we can make changes in the world and changes in the way that people talk about and understand our faith in Christianity.” As therapists, we often recognize toxic relationships when clients bring them to our attention. We understand the defining characteristics of toxic dynamics. However, when we find ourselves in toxic relationships personally, it can be challenging to gain the same level of insight. It is crucial to practice self-compassion and release self-judgment. Forgiving ourselves for being in a toxic situation is an important step towards healing.
Toxicity Within the Christian Community and the Role of Faith-Based Therapists
Toxic relationships are prevalent in various spheres, including the Christian community. As faith-based therapists, we are on the front lines of addressing mental health crises and navigating unhealthy dynamics. We have a unique opportunity to influence change within the church and foster better understanding and love among individuals. By reevaluating the way we interact, train, and love others, we can reshape people's perceptions of faith and Christianity.
Moving Forward with Love and Boundaries: Becoming Christlike
Approaching toxic relationships through the lens of Christ's teachings can guide us in navigating these challenging dynamics. Christ exemplified love, even towards those who lacked understanding or displayed unhealthy behaviors. As Christians and therapists, we need to hold space for toxic individuals, extend love and kindness, and maintain healthy boundaries. Boundaries allow us to protect ourselves while still demonstrating love and compassion.
Embracing Transformation and Finding Greater Love
Toxic relationships provide an opportunity for personal growth and transformation. As we navigate the challenges they present, we emerge stronger and better equipped to love others unconditionally. It is essential to focus on our own hearts and lives, seeking guidance from God on how to support and love toxic individuals in a healing and beneficial manner.
Conclusion: A Journey of Healing and Love
Navigating toxic relationships is certainly not easy, but it is a journey worth undertaking. These relationships enable us to become more Christlike and deepen our understanding of love, suffering, and compassion. By embracing this journey, we can become agents of change, not only in our own lives but also within the church and the broader community.
Remember, toxic relationships do not define us. Rather, they provide us with the opportunity to transform ourselves and those around us. Together, we can navigate toxic relationships, foster healthy connections, and bring about positive change. Let us journey forward with openness, self-compassion, and a deep commitment to love.
Would you like to share your experiences or thoughts on navigating toxic relationships as a Christian therapist? Feel free to leave a comment below or reach out to me directly.
Thank you for joining me today on the Wise Practice Podcast. Until next time, let us continue to love and support one another on this journey.
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WP 60 | Navigating Toxic Relationships as a Christian Therapist
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[00:00:00] Whitney Owens: building a private practice can be challenging, trying to grow your caseload, attracting your niche client, managing the business side of it all, navigating insurance. And managing paperwork and billing, these all can take a significant amount of time. That's in addition to delivering great quality care.
[00:00:22] Whitney Owens: That's why Alma gives clinicians the tools they need to build a thriving private practice. When you join their insurance program, you get credentialed within 45 days and access to enhanced reimbursement rates with major payers. They handle all the paperwork from eligibility checks to claim submissions and guarantee payment within two weeks of each appointment.
[00:00:42] Whitney Owens: addition to their insurance program, Alma offers time saving tools and administrative support so you can spend less time on paperwork and more time delivering the great care to your clients. To learn more about building a thriving private pay practice with Alma, head to helloalma. com slash wise practice.
[00:01:02] Whitney Owens: That's hello. A L M a. com slash wise practice.
[00:01:27] Whitney Owens: Hello, friends, and welcome back to the wise practice podcast. You are listening to Whitney Owens on a solo series in the month of December on what I learned in 2023. So if you haven't caught the first two episodes in the month of December, I encourage you to go back and check those out. We're. We address scaling or not scaling in our practice in the 1st episode of the month.
[00:01:49] Whitney Owens: And then the next, when we talked about leadership and characteristics of being a Christian leader. And today we're going to talk about toxic relationships. I'm going to be completely vulnerable here that this is the 1 that I'm the most scared about talking about, but also the most important. But don't we find that we talk about toxic relationships.
[00:02:08] Whitney Owens: It can be a little scary because toxic relationships can feel that way. But it's important that we talk about these deeper issues as practice owners and as people in the faith community, because these are the things that are out there that are happening. So I'm also excited to talk about that and I'm glad that you're with me in this season of life.
[00:02:27] Whitney Owens: So, but before we talk about constant relationships, I was thinking about my intro today and what I wanted to share with you. And I wanted to talk about good relationships. I feel so blessed by the amazing relationships within the consulting community. These past few years, I've come out of my shell a little bit, gotten to know more people, but also really taken more time to invest in the relationships that really matter.
[00:02:52] Whitney Owens: This past weekend, I'm actually coming back from being with a couple of different friends. Um, I made a trip to go be with my good friend, Gordon Brewer, um, who had recently lost his wife and I went up to Tennessee to see him and for the service. And I'm still like processing thinking about what all that means to me, but I just.
[00:03:18] Whitney Owens: Know that when you find good friends in your life, you hold them tight and you don't let them go. And there are not a lot of great people. I mean, there are some great people in the world, but I just feel like finding really good friendships are really hard to find, especially later in life. I'm here in my 40s and very busy with running businesses and kids and.
[00:03:40] Whitney Owens: I was really glad to be able to have the time to invest in that friendship. So I was able to be up there with him during that time. And we had time for grief, but we also had time for fun and getting to know other people and getting to meet his family. And that was really special. Um, while I was on the way up there, I was able to stop and see my dear friend, Laura long and Jane Carter, because they live in different cities that were on the way.
[00:04:04] Whitney Owens: And it was just really special to be able to make that time to be with them. So I want to encourage you first that if there are people out there that you're thinking, gosh, I would love to be closer to these people. Maybe it's someone in business, someone that you want to be friends with because you admire the work that they're doing.
[00:04:20] Whitney Owens: Maybe you admire their faith. Maybe it's someone in your church, someone in your neighborhood. I encourage you to take that step out and do something special for that person, or just spend time with them or invite them up for coffee. Like life is so busy. It's hard to plan these things. But good people are not easy to find in the world.
[00:04:37] Whitney Owens: So when you do find them, grab hold of them. And maybe I shouldn't just say good people. It's finding that connection really that there are a lot of great people out there that I just don't connect with. So when you do find those connections. Make them worthwhile. And I think, especially for me as a business owner, having other people and Gordon is just the perfect example of that.
[00:04:56] Whitney Owens: And I'm talking about him because I just saw him, but someone else who, you know, shares his faith and loves others and really cares about the work that he does in owning a group practice. I even got to meet some of his employees. And I was like, wow, like, I am friends with a really amazing person. So they talked so highly about working with him and it was just really special to see all that.
[00:05:20] Whitney Owens: So, make sure that you hold on to those relationships, um, but now we're going to make a, a turn here and talk about relationships that are not as pleasant. And I want by the end of this podcast episode. My hope is that we're not just going to trash toxic relationships. That's definitely not what I'm here to do, but that we would grow together and that we would walk away knowing better how to move within these relationships.
[00:05:48] Whitney Owens: How would Christ move through these relationships? Y'all unhealthy people. This is nothing new. This has been around since the beginning of eternity. Since the beginning of man, believe it or not, we all are unhealthy. All of us. So, even myself, I might be considered toxic to someone else, right? And we're going to get into that, but I want to talk first about the state of our church.
[00:06:12] Whitney Owens: And I talked about this a little bit at the wise practice summit, but the church is in a bad place. Even talking the other day with someone who was like, yeah, I'm a person of faith. I don't go to church and I'm like, yeah, why not? It's like, well, there's nothing to gain. There's nothing happening. There's nothing good happening for me.
[00:06:33] Whitney Owens: And that is a sad place for the church to be in. The church is in such an unhealthy place right now in this state and time. I do think a lot of it has to do with relationships. If people were finding healthy, good relationships in church, you would think that would encourage them to keep going now. Toxic people, unhealthy relationships, like I said, are everywhere.
[00:06:58] Whitney Owens: Think that within the Christian community, there's a little bit more of a light there to say, hey, we got to take care of this. Like, this is not a good thing and we see it all over with the Christian community. I think people are talking about it more, which is good. But at the same time, people are continuing to lead churches and unhealthy ways and be involved in groups and unhealthy ways.
[00:07:22] Whitney Owens: And so we, we, as Christians. Need to change the way that people do faith and the way that people do religion. I also think as faith based therapists, we are on the front lines of this, like the mental health crisis, understanding unhealthy people and relationships, and then helping the church to understand that if we can help change the way that we interact with people, the way we train people, the way we love people, we can make changes in the world and changes in the way that people talk about and understand our faith in Christianity.
[00:07:58] Whitney Owens: So this word toxic real or toxic relationships. I'll tell you for a long time, I was like, what are people talking about? They're so dramatic when they say that. And then I started seeing the toxic relationships. I started becoming a part of toxic relationships. I was like, Oh, this is what people are talking about.
[00:08:20] Whitney Owens: No wonder people talked about that so strongly because it is so real. It is so real. Now there are definitely different levels, but it's a real thing. So what is toxic relationships even mean? So I could totally sit here and give you the 10 tips or the 10, not tips, but defining characteristics of a toxic relationships.
[00:08:42] Whitney Owens: But let me just say you're a therapist, so you already know all these things. We know it in our logical minds, what a toxic relationship is. When our clients come in, we're like, yes, you're in a toxic relationship. A lot of times at first minute. Romantic relationships, but it goes way beyond that. Toxic relationships can look like so many more things within our family, within our business, with our employees, with other therapists, within the church, with our pastors.
[00:09:07] Whitney Owens: Toxic relationships are everywhere. So when I say toxic, I simply mean unhealthy for you. Of course, when I think about this idea of the word toxic, it makes me think of like a poison that at first. Well, I guess some poisons are really bad at 1st, but most of the time, it's not something that's bad when you 1st sip it, right?
[00:09:27] Whitney Owens: Or you 1st taste of it. And then over time, it builds up and I believe that toxic relationships are the kind that. They're hard to find that they're toxic. We don't see how unhealthy they are. They usually have a little bit of glamor or goodness about them when they 1st come in excitement. Enjoyment of the relationship and so that happens.
[00:09:50] Whitney Owens: But then the negative part comes out a little bit over time. You've probably known the abuse cycle if you're a therapist, of course, and it's a little bit of that. It's a little bit of good enough so that you stay in the relationship, but then the bad stuff kind of comes out, but then there's enough goodness that it kind of like drowns it out even.
[00:10:09] Whitney Owens: So then you start to not notice the toxic part and it takes a lot of time before you see it. And then you see it. And you question it, you're not certain about it. You talk about it and hopefully eventually get to a place where you understand it. So just because a relationship is toxic for one person does not mean that person is toxic for other people.
[00:10:34] Whitney Owens: They could be. They might not be, so it's not across the board for sure thing with that. So just because someone is toxic for you, don't assume that they're bad for other people. But I think it's important to be aware of 2 people coming together in any kind of relationship, have a different dynamic than any other relationship in the world, right?
[00:10:56] Whitney Owens: Because 2 people are unique in what they bring. And so what somebody might mean for you might mean something totally different for someone else. So it's easy to say, oh, well, that person's doing such good things in the world or they're I have a good relationship with these other people that I'm friends with or that I see in the church.
[00:11:14] Whitney Owens: So why do I, why would I think this person's toxic? Well, they're toxic for you and that's okay. It doesn't have to be judged, doesn't have to be figured out. Someone can be toxic for one person, not another. Now, if you're in a toxic relationship currently, you probably don't have the insight yet to figure it out or maybe you're in your place of figuring that out.
[00:11:39] Whitney Owens: So I want you to be open to the idea that someone might be toxic. It does. Don't judge the idea. Don't judge all of it. Just practice acceptance that that actually might be the case and start to ponder or wonder what changes need to be made in that.
[00:12:01] Whitney Owens: I believe that people in toxic relationships, they're not seeing it, but then when they do see it, they beat themselves up. They don't know how to practice acceptance. They don't know how to have compassion for themselves because they feel so bad that they fell for tricks and games. And I want to speak to that.
[00:12:21] Whitney Owens: I want you to forgive yourself that you were in a bad situation. You didn't see what was happening. You likely saw the toxicity sooner than most people because most therapists do, and it's okay. You're not alone. And I want you to practice self compassion. So instead of looking at the past and being angry at yourself, look at the past and be glad that you're coming out on the other side.
[00:12:49] Whitney Owens: Be glad of what you've figured out and what you see
[00:12:55] Whitney Owens: and try something different. It's easy for us to see toxic people have all the fields and run the opposite way. Right. And there are going to be some times where you need to do that. Okay. There are going to be some relationships talking about abuse relationships that you really do need to just get completely out of, never speak to the person again and be completely finished with it.
[00:13:25] Whitney Owens: Now, I actually think most toxic relationships are not like that. We want to think they're like that because we're mad and we want to get out of them. These people have hurt us over and over again. Toxic relationships are when we go back to someone or some relationship over and over again, even though they continue to hurt us.
[00:13:51] Whitney Owens: Everything is showing us that they're not healthy for us and we keep going back a lot of times. It's our own background stuff that we're dealing with our family of origin stuff. But it's also just the charisma sometimes of the other person that draws you in.
[00:14:11] Whitney Owens: So, for me, 2023 has been a year of. Finding freedom from some toxic relationships. I also am seeing more of my history of toxic relationships that occurred before this year. But I feel like this year has been a year where God has really brought me through it in a different kind of way. And I'm seeing how to deal with them in a different kind of way.
[00:14:39] Whitney Owens: When in the past, when people hurt me, I just walked away. And moved on, and that's not always bad because I protected myself, but this black and white that we do with people, it doesn't work for sharing Christ. Is that what Christ is calling us to like, what does Christian community really look like?
[00:15:05] Whitney Owens: Because there are toxic people everywhere and toxic people need love. They usually have no insight. That they're actually as toxic as they are. And I guess if they do have insight about it, they're a little sociopathic, but most of them in general have made these mistakes, not realizing it. You could or couldn't confront them and they still wouldn't understand.
[00:15:32] Whitney Owens: It's kind of identifying the toxicity of it. So how does Christ treat people who lack understanding? How does Christ treat the worst of the worst?
[00:15:48] Whitney Owens: There weren't very many people that he kicked out of the community. There weren't very many people that he flat out would have ignored. In general, Christ shows the way of love. I mean, I shouldn't say in general all times the way of love. So how do we live the way of love with toxic people in our lives?
[00:16:15] Whitney Owens: This is where we become strong in our faith. This is where we become more like Christ. And the, the other reason I'm saying this on this podcast for faith based practice centers is this is so common in church and it's so common. In private practice and with clients. And then specifically in my consulting world, who toxic people everywhere.
[00:16:42] Whitney Owens: Right. But these toxic people that I, that I have dear to my heart are the very people that are hurting and in pain. And on the other side, honestly, I probably can look like the toxic person, but through insight and through God's guidance, I'm seeing who I am and seeing who they are and also seeing how do I love them.
[00:17:10] Whitney Owens: When it hurts me, right, but. It's through that way that I choose to love them and pray for them and care for them that God changes who I am right. I don't trust anyone else. I trust him with my heart and who I am, and that is how we become different as faith based practice centers. And as Christians is that we love the people that are hard to love that.
[00:17:38] Whitney Owens: We care for the people that hurt us that Jesus forgave Judas, even though he betrayed him in the deepest kind of way. Peter betrayed Jesus, the thief on the cross. He still says, I'll be with you in paradise. These were some bad people or I shouldn't say bad people. They were good people who did bad things, right?
[00:17:59] Whitney Owens: Because I believe we are all in essence good as we are created in Christ. So even as toxic people are coming to your mind right now, they were created in the image of Christ. They were created as good, even though it makes us so angry to think about it like that. But that's the truth. We have got to find that place of compassion for them, Christ's heart for them, our ability to love and respect them, even when they've heard us over and over again.
[00:18:30] Whitney Owens: It's not a black and white issue. It is something that we hold space for. The good and the bad, and we choose to walk the high road. So, instead of stomping our feet and getting them out of the way, we are the strong ones that carry these toxic people with us, but not in a way that weighs us down. But in a way that we surrender them to Christ, that this person is hurting me, I'm going to choose to create that boundary.
[00:19:01] Whitney Owens: We're still going to create healthy boundaries in relationships. We're not going to choose to engage in deep, intimate ways with these people because they're not safe for us, but you can still love people and create boundaries. I mean, that is what love is. In fact, by creating those boundaries with toxic people, you are loving them.
[00:19:20] Whitney Owens: You were loving them and they are finding Christ in you in a different kind of way. Right? So we have to find this way to give them back to the Lord, but to love them and help them. Even when they lack insight, they lack understanding and they're in pain. And it's really only through Christ that we find our own healing.
[00:19:42] Whitney Owens: So it's through Christ that these relationships that you're in, these unhealthy people, they will also find Christ. It's this amazing thing that God uses these unhealthy, bad situations to make us more like Christ and to make us understand him more, to understand his suffering, to understand his love and become Christlike.
[00:20:06] Whitney Owens: So, even though it seems like such an awful thing that these unhealthy relationships have entered your life and really caused a lot of turmoil, it's actually a beautiful thing because you have grown in who you are. And in the way that you love others, the way that you can be with your clients, and you're going to see these dynamics faster and not engage in those as often, but you're also going to know how to deeply love people.
[00:20:31] Whitney Owens: And then that what our life is all about, isn't that would be in Christ is all about knowing how to suffer, right? We suffer in the way that we pray for people. I talked about this in the last episode, but the way that we love people, we suffer for the gospel. In that way, and I'm not here saying that we force ourselves into suffering, you know, we put ourselves in bad relationships on purpose.
[00:20:52] Whitney Owens: That is not what I'm saying. But when you do find yourself in that place. Allowing God to change you from the inside out
[00:21:01] Whitney Owens: and yes, we do hope that on the other end. These unhealthy relationships will gain insight, find Christ, move forward and be made new sometimes that never happens. But I don't want you to focus on them. I want you to focus on you and what God is doing in your heart and in your life through the relationship and how you can choose to love that person through all those things.
[00:21:28] Whitney Owens: So even when other people are talking negative about the person, triggering you about the person, knowing how you can extend love and kindness even through that. Now I also want you to have people in your life that do know what's going on. They do know about the toxic relationships. A couple of people that you trust so they can hold you accountable to care for your own heart and your own life.
[00:21:52] Whitney Owens: But as you move through it, you will continue to gain insight and understanding. You'll be able to navigate it better. You'll be stronger and you won't need others as often to help you in navigating it. So this episode is a little different in the sense of, I think a lot of podcasts would probably encourage you.
[00:22:12] Whitney Owens: Or a lot of podcasters would encourage you to get rid of these toxic relationships and find the ones that are meaningful. And I do want you to find the ones that are meaningful, but I don't want you to run away from toxic relationships because then we just spend the rest of our lives running away from relationships and not learning anything from it.
[00:22:32] Whitney Owens: And I want you to be changed. There is such an important work that we have to do in helping the church be changed, changing our practices, working with our clients. That I need you to embrace this moment and find Christ in it, knowing that he has your heart in your mind and he protects you and that he has something greater in store all things that are negative.
[00:22:57] Whitney Owens: God can use those for something great. I don't think he wants suffering in our lives. I don't think he wants you in toxic relationships, but that is just part of being human and being in this world. If you are going to choose to engage in relationships and love people on a deep level, you will be hurt.
[00:23:15] Whitney Owens: And I'm not talking about romantic love here. I'm talking about love of your common man, love of your clients, love of the people you work with, love of the people in your church. People will disappoint and hurt you. But you'll not have that fullness of life and fullness of other relationships. Like I was talking about at the beginning of the podcast episode, if you don't learn to fully love everybody, fullness of life comes in fullness of emotion, the good and the bad.
[00:23:46] Whitney Owens: Richard Rohr talks a lot in his books about we experience God and we experience love and suffering. And it is true. And that has been such a theme for my 2023 year. As I look at toxic relationships, I got in them because I loved people, I've loved people, but I wouldn't go back and change it. I wouldn't go back and wish that I hadn't loved somebody or hadn't cared for somebody because I believe that's the way that Christ cares for us.
[00:24:18] Whitney Owens: But I also wish that I, uh, I'm not going to wish this. I'm proud of myself for the boundaries I've set. As I was talking about this earlier, I think it's easy for us to wish that we had noticed things earlier or seen things earlier. But instead of going back and wishing those things, just have compassion on on yourself and celebrate what you did find.
[00:24:38] Whitney Owens: Celebrate how you have moved forward. And I want to encourage you. Don't just run away. Continue to ask God how you can support and love toxic people in the way that's healing and helpful for you and for them. Not putting yourself back in vulnerable, bad situations, but knowing how to send forgiveness and compassion to other people because we all are broken in this world.
[00:25:10] Whitney Owens: And I want you to learn how to love greater by the way that you love unhealthy people. This is what it means to be a Christian. This is definitely what it means to be a therapist as well. And that is who we are in this world. I appreciate each and every one of you. This is a topic that's not easy and it brings up a lot of emotion for us because people have heard us.
[00:25:34] Whitney Owens: But I love that you have been with me on this journey and that you, I hope that God is opening your eyes to some things and I want you to know that I'm with you in this. It is not easy. It is not easy and toxic people. I could think of years and years of them coming on, but I wouldn't be where I am today without it.
[00:25:54] Whitney Owens: I wouldn't be as strong as I am. I wouldn't know how to do relationship as well. These people have taught me something and given me things even when they gave me some gross things to write some not so fun things, but they also made me who I am and I wouldn't change that. God will use it to his glory.
[00:26:11] Whitney Owens: Thank you for being with me today.
